journal entry April 25, 2018
My six year old daughter asked me, “Mom have you ever seen God?”
I straightened myself in the driver’s seat and looked at her through the rear view mirror. Memories of my life back in California jogged through my mind.
I was at a place where I was begging for healing for my husband and for a radical change in both our lives. I felt change was coming but I couldn’t see it. I knew Jason was slowly healing but was I sure? Or was I just being too hopeful?
“When I think back when we lived in California ... no baby, I never saw God.” I started.
It wasn’t until I moved here, miles and miles away from all that I knew where I needed to feel alone. I needed to feel helpless and small. I had no crutch. I was broken of my pride and most of my earthly possessions were no longer able to block my view and hide me in their deep. It’s here where I threw myself into God’s strong and sovereign arms. I was able to learn to walk with him instead of being carried. Once I surrendered my all, my hands were empty, my schedule empty and my view cleared. I see his goodness and his grace and mercies everyday as he peels back layer and layer of what the world hardened me into.
“How come we can’t see him?” Penelope cut through my thoughts.
“I see God now, He is everywhere!” I rejoiced, “When we lived in California I didn’t know how to see God, I didn’t know where to look. God wants us to believe he is there without seeing. Just like the wind. We can feel it, we can see it’s power, and we can even hear it.”
I looked again through the rear view mirror at her. Her light green eyes were looking out her window. I wondered if she even heard me or if her mind had wondered off. Maybe she was looking at all the green pastures that we drove past. Maybe she was looking for God.