Journal entry March 2, 2018
Today is exactly one month before my 38th birthday. Today was also my first mammogram. For many weeks now I've been checking and rechecking to see if that hard lump was still there, and much to my annoyance, there it stood, like a thorny seed embedded into my breast.
Before entering into the radiation room, I took a deep breath, I knew that after this there was no turning back. Once you know, you know. Many women pass through this room daily. Many return home with terrible news. News that would change their lives. While waiting for the technician to call me in, I thought back on a passage I read earlier this week from Elisabeth Elliot:
"The real question we need to face is exactly what a Christian is supposed to do when terrible things happen. There are two choices, and only two: We can trust God or we can defy Him. We believe that God is God, He's still got the whole world in His hands and knows exactly what He's doing, or we must believe that He is not God and we are at the mercy of mere chance."
Would I walk out today with trust that my God knows exactly what he is doing with my life? Or would I curse and ask why is this happening to me? It's easy to say what my response would be without yet being face to face with terrible news.
I didn't leave that office today with terrible news. In fact I didn't leave with any news. I am forced to wait a few more days until a doctor reviews the images.
I am left with the comfort of my faith that God still has the whole world in his hands.
"Faith is a decision. It is not a deduction from the facts around us. Faith is not an instinct. It is certainly not a feeling - feelings don't help much when you're in a lion's den or hanging on a wooden cross. Faith is not inferred from the happy way things always work. It is an act of the will, a choice, based on the unbreakable Word of God who cannot lie, and who showed us what love and obedience and sacrifice mean, in the person of Jesus Christ."
- Elisabeth Elliot