Journal entry March 18, 2018
The weeks leading up to the final doctors visit, I felt overwhelmed by my thoughts and worried. Whenever I feel this way I start to need comforting things. I listened to vintage Amy Grant and Keith Green albums that reminded me of hearing them when I was a child and dancing around the living room while my mom cleaned the house. I miss my family. Especially in difficult seasons like this.
It was the night before the doctors appointment and I was lying in bed and I came across a YouTube video of a Keith Green documentary. I urged Jason to watch it with me. He had never heard of Keith Green but he decided to watch it anyway. I half expected him to fall asleep.
It was this film that put a fire in my heart to start loving others like Jesus. I had no idea that Keith and his wife, Melody started a ministry out of their own home! I was in awe that they opened up their doors to so many people. They loved like they had no fear. That shocked me. That moved me. That convicted me.
All this time spent waiting in doctors offices and the flow of new emotions led to and allowed for deep conversation about some of the things that Jason and I had stirring in our hearts.
It challenged me to look at how I spend my time. What am I doing with all of the gifts that God has bestowed upon me? Am I hoarding them? Am I using them to bless others or am I selfishly keeping them all to myself?
I am a selfish Christian.
Jason and I talked about what it would look like for us to love others the way that our God loves us. Sadly, I realized I had a lot of barriers up against "those people over there" and me. I am praying that God would tear down those barriers.
What are barriers?Barriers are fears; fears of being inconvenienced, being hurt, being laughed at, Not having enough, Being taken advantage of,Not knowing what to say,Of commitment, And a fear of giving it all away.
My hearts desire is to give it all away; my time, my love, my food, my brain space dedicated to praying for others and earnestly pressing into people's lives for Christ's sake. But I hold back fearing that if I give then I will have nothing left for myself. Oh Lorraine! what is it that I NEED left in this world?
The late Keith Green sang in one of his songs that "Nothing lasts, except the grace of God."
If nothing lasts, so why not give it all away? Don't hold back. Recklessly love the way God loves me.