Journal entry March 11, 2018
This is the scene that I sat in and stared at for what seemed like an eternity. My husband and I sat on a green sofa, in the office of a breast cancer doctor. There we waited. And waited. I stared at all of the framed awards and diplomas hanging behind his desk. And they stared back at me as if to warn me not to question this man's diagnosis.
While waiting, my thoughts circled 'round and took me to that stubborn place in my brain that I could not smooth over all week; if this turned out to be cancer...
I write all the time here that I am surrendering my all to God. My possessions. My comforts. My time. Why not take what's left of the years of my life as well?
Why should I be so surprised or angry? After all this is not my forever home. After all this life is not mine. Why do I hold on to all I have left after surrendering my worldly possessions so tightly that my greedy fists of will have exhausted me into sorrow and anger?
Could I give it to Him if He asked for it?
Every morning in our homeschool, Penelope and I start each school day by singing hymns. This month we started each day with O Love That Will Not Let Me Go;
O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
God gave us life. God gives us free will. The freedom to spend our lives how we choose. The freedom to choose how we spend each hour of our gift of life.
How does one come to that point of willingness of surrender? It's a point of love. It's that moment when we realize that we fully and completely love Christ so much that we voluntarily give to Him anything that he should ask of us.
I closed my eyes in that doctors office, ready to give Him what is so, so hard to give, but instead God blessed me with his grace and good health.
I am truly thankful for another day and thankful to spend them in His service. Let my love for Christ be known to every person I meet and why I love Him so.
(Title of this post taken from lyrics "In a little while" by Amy Grant)