Journal entry May 24, 2017
"Our course heavenward is like the plan of the zealous pilgrim of old, who for every three steps forward, took one backward." - Elizabeth Prentiss
I understand now why my spiritual faith loops up and down and why I cannot grow in one continuous trudge up hill towards being in union with my God everyday.
I want more! I love when I'm in constant communication with Him. When I'm all in. When I'm knee deep, immersed in words of truth leading me deeper in my faith.
Why can't I have this all the time?Why do I fall?
It seems to me that every couple of months I fall out of habit. I stop reading, when I stop reading I stop praying . I stop studying his word. Why do I stop?
I look at my time. Have I gotten busier? No.
Why can't I be continuous in my studies?
I sound like a failing college student struggling to keep up with her homework.
Why is it that I break the habit? I began to think about this question for months. Study my own habits. Look at the use of my time. Draw charts. I look at the pattern of spiritual closeness with God and my gaps of emptiness. I look at what I'm studying. Books written by godly people, books on prayer, books on humility, books on joy. I look at all the Bible studies I've ever been in; topical studies on "how to".
All wonderful and well meaning. All have brought me closer to Christ, all have made me stronger in my faith. I realize that the gaps occurred when I finished each book and when I finished each Bible study, it is then that I spiral downward, backward into my own self seeking ways of sin.The one step forward and two step back dance has left me feeling like a failure and inadequate.
So what to do once a bible study ends or I complete a good devotional book? Should I dive immediately into another before my brain can process the last? What if I cannot find another bible study or if I cannot find another spirituality uplifting book?
**That's my problem right there.**
I'm waiting. And in the mean time I'm failing.
I'm waiting for someone to take my hand and lead me. My mentors, my group, my books. When they aren't there I can't continue the journey on my own. I fail.
Why can't I be strong enough to walk this "in between Sunday sermon days" on my own? Need I be so dependent? Is this what God has intended for each of his followers? So infant like and in need for someone else to feed us in a Sunday sermon or small group setting?
Instead of small groups, bible studies and sermons that pick topical books written by people standing on soapboxes telling THEIR stories of faith, sharing THEIR inspiration why can't we go back to the basics of learning how to study the Bible? Teach me. I want to learn how to pick apart the Bible. Teach me. I want to learn how to read it for myself and understand what I'm reading. There is enough in there to read and never have gaps in between. Show me how to read and research each author and learn about his life. Some of us have never been taught how to do this and we shouldn't have to go to bible college for this.
What if I finished a book of the Bible, and found strength to continue on to the next? What if I had the tools to make my own daily bible studies out of what I read daily right out of each book of the Bible.
I'm not talking about reading random bible verses of the day. I'm talking about studying each book of the Bible and holding it in my heart because I learned, I understood and I believed that this was a part of real history and that God was speaking to me personally in my own journey.
Stop feeding me supplements when I need growth and depth from spiritual meat.