Journal entry November 21, 2018

I just don’t want to feel today. But instead I am knee deep in thick muddy emotions. They pull me in deeper and I cannot wade myself out.

Oh boy I didn’t know that when I dreamt about the word burdens that I was going to, in the following weeks, be challenged with such heavy burdens.

I almost wonder if sometimes my dreams are meant as a warning to me so that I can begin to prepare myself mentally and spiritually for what lies ahead in the weeks to come.

Writing down would be difficult all the things that broke the camel’s back today/this week. But these strands of bad news, closed doors and broken things weigh like bricks on my heart while I tread through my mud pit of emotions. In my wallowing I hear self pity whispering his lies and I recognize his familiar words. He knows when I am tired. When I am sad. When I’m in my pit of emotions. I’m blinded by tears and fears and this whirlwind, his lies are like arrows to my heart, wounding me even deeper.

I don’t understand when things take the appearance of blessings and turn out to be burdens. I don’t understand what’s happening right now just like I couldn’t understand my dream about the burdens.

All I understand is that I have a Father in heaven who knows my future and it is for the good of his kingdom and I am honored to let my life be whatever he makes of it and to use it however he sees fit. I am happy to be your servant Lord! Don’t let me complain that this mission field is too hard for me. Make me strong against the arrows and lies of my enemy. Only make me stronger that I might serve you harder.

My brain is mashed potatoes and I cannot write any eloquent thoughts down tonight.

All I can do is repeat over and over:

Psalm 62:5-8

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Truly he is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God. He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times you people, pour out your hearts to him. For God is our refuge.