April 26, 2019
I dreamt that I worked for Donald trump. It was only for the day. For an event he was having.
I didn’t like what I was wearing or how frizzy and messy my hair was. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything helpful but he thanked me at the end and paid me. He seemed sincerely grateful for my help.
I wanted to take a selfie there at his house/palace and in the library but I couldn’t find my phone. I also needed to pee but couldn’t find a restroom before leaving. When I left I was driving away and noticed that his neighbors were very poor Mexican people. Their homes were falling apart but were right up against his giant mansion.
Today April 29, 2019
I had a rough day. All day long I just kept on getting beat up by the voices in my head about how terrible my hair looked, how sloppy my outfit was and how fat I felt. I was working off a long pen and paper list of things that needed to be done to prepare for our dinner guests tomorrow. We had been gone all weekend and so the house was disheveled and I needed to clean and prep the food for tomorrow’s dinner. I woke up early and began right away on my checklist. While cleaning the bathrooms I stopped and looked into the bathroom mirror at the messy haired almost 40 year old. I felt fat and unattractive. I tried to fix up my hair and change into a less frumpy outfit but that didn’t make me look younger or attractive so I had no choice but to keep cleaning the dirty bathroom.
In the middle of my busyness Penelope wanted someone to play dolls with. While I sat and played dolls I thought about how the world doesn’t stop, others become more successful, people workout and get fit, friendships grow tighter and people all around me forget that I exist right now in this very moment. (My self pity really laid it on thick today) Penelope was happy to have a friend for that moment.
I stood over the kitchen sink and washed a million dishes (food prepping will do that to you when you don’t have a dishwasher) and pivoted over to the countertop to chop and prep each dish. Thoughts of each ridiculous thing I've ever said in my lifetime danced circles in my mind and a sinking loneliness pierced me in all my sensitive places.
Here I am at the end of the day today with so much weight of hopeless disappointments and ugly self images and failures on my back. My soul beaten down into a withered plant that was picked from its life spring.
I read to my sweet girl before tucking her in for bed, Matthew 16
24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?27 For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.
28 “Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”